There are gold nuggets, gold face masks, gold leaves and what do you know? Gold toilet paper

I can’t say I’ve heard the phrase “stick it where the sun don’t shine” being used in the past decade. Not because I’ve yet to irritate anyone recently, but the phrase probably died a slow, natural death in the ’70s. But just today, I was reminded of it, though in a rather unlikely scenario.

See, I was searching for things to write about for our Most Expensive Mondays column, while in the bathroom – because sometimes, the best ideas stem from there. In a few clicks, I found the most expensive bar of soap (gold- and diamond-encrusted, no less), toothpaste… and 22k toilet paper.

22k gold toilet paper really does exist. An Australian company, very simply called Toilet Paper Man, sells nearly everything you’ll require for the home. It sells cling wrap, foil, garbage bags, rags and of course, toilet paper, which it claims to be great amazing at. Here’s an excerpt from its site:

“What makes us different [from] everyone else is that we understand toilet paper and innovate new products to save time, effort and increase comfort and softness. We know that people care what they use and that is where we excel.”

You get the picture.

But why?

The idea of a gold toilet roll was initially part of Toilet Paper Man’s advertising campaign, but it later decided to test the waters and produce a roll for sale.

Word on the street is that it took four years from conceptualisation to production. And because every item should rightfully undergo vigorous testing, I’m wondering which lucky champ volunteered his peaches as tribute.

Quality-wise, it features the same recipe as the brand’s Mr. President three-ply toilet paper, which was named as such because it’s supposedly fit for the president. It’s made from virgin paper, which means, no recycled content or alternative fibres. Its embossed sheets are claimed to feel extra soft.

And get this, while other brands feature an average of 200 sheets per toilet roll, Mr. President (and the gold roll) come in 250 sheets. Talk about a bang for your buck.

While the company doesn’t state how many grams of gold you’ll be getting with the roll, it does tell you that it comes with 22k gold flakes on it. Said flakes will supposedly fall to the floor as you wipe your derriere.

Just one roll has been produced, and rumour has it that it was sold for AU$1.2 million (S$1.1 million). With the purchase came a bottle of Champagne (flutes not included), presumably to make you feel better about your impulsive buy.

To whom was it sold to? Not a clue. If I had to guess, it was probably bought by the same person who bought the brand’s Tabasco Toilet Paper. Talk about adding spice to your life.

Perhaps I have written too much. Would this be considered verbal diarrhoea? Doesn’t matter. At least I’ve got my roll of toilet paper on standby. Not in 22k gold, unfortunately.